Your Choices

A few things to remember when making choices are:
  • Domestic violence is more common than people realise
  • Abuse can happen to anyone
  • Violence is NEVER acceptable and violence is a CRIME
  • You are not to blame for the abuse. Abusers make decisions about their behaviour
  • Abuse won’t stop unless you do something about it. Acknowledge the warning signs of abuse and make choices about what is acceptable for you in a relationship

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a difficult decision to make.

There are many barriers that women face when making the decision to leave which can include:
  • Fear for safety There may be concerns about your partners reaction when they discover you have left. There may have been threats to harm you, your children, your loved ones or himself.
  • Isolation Many women in abusive relationships find they have become isolated from their family and friends. The abuser finds women without a strong network of friends easier to control. There may be a fear of being alone and there being nobody who understands or who can help you.
  • Shame Many women feel shame about being in their situation and feel embarrassed to talk about their relationship. It is the abuser who should feel shame as they are the ones responsible for the violence
  • Worrying about the impact of leaving on the children Women may feel guilt for removing their children from their father. Also you may fear being unable to continue the lifestyle that the children are used to. Children who live in families where domestic violence occurs have more behavioural and social problems than children who don’t. Children don’t have to be physically hurt to be victims of domestic violence.
  • Love The abuser may promise you that things will get better. It is difficult to let go of a relationship in which there have been good times as well as bad. In a relationship with love and respect there wouldn’t be abuse. The abuser might also lead you to believe that nobody else will love you.
  • Pressures to stay There may be pressure from family, friends or religious groups to stay.
  • Nowhere to go and no money Many women feel that if they leave a relationship they won’t be able to support themselves and their children. Controlling money can be a part of the abuse and many women don’t have access to their money. Refuges are able to provide women with accommodation and can assist you to get a benefit from Centrelink, help you find independent accommodation, and help you consider your employment possibilities
  • Legal concerns You may have concerns about the abuser applying for custody. Or you may have concerns about dealing with police or the courts. There are organisations which can help.

These barriers are all real but they can be overcome!

These barriers shouldn’t have to stop you taking action and improving your safety and the safety of your children.

Some helpful tips to remember when making choices are:
  • As time goes on your relationship could become increasingly dangerous for you and your children
  • You understand your situation better than anyone else. Explore your options and make your own decisions. You don’t have to do what other people tell you to do, or what you think they would want you to do
  • It may take more than one attempt at leaving. If often takes women many attempts to leave before they feel supported enough to make the final break.
  • You and your children deserve a life free from fear, shame and anxiety

What you can do to protect yourself

Domestic Violence Line

The Domestic Violence Line is a 24 hour telephone crisis counseling and referral service. You will get to speak with female counsellors experienced in working with women and children experiencing domestic violence. Counsellors will work with you to minimise the risk and increase the safety for you and your children. Counsellors will be able to help you become safe during a crisis.

The Domestic Violence Line can offer support through:
  • Referring you to women’s refuges and answer any questions you have about refuges
  • Referral to family support services, counseling, hospitals, police, courts, lawyers etc
  • Provide assistance with transport, hospital care and emergency accommodation
  • Organise interpreters for women who don’t speak English
  • Provide you with information about court procedures and apprehended violence orders
  • Arrange police intervention where necessary

Contact the Domestic Violence Line on 1800 65 64 63 (NSW) or 1800 811 811 (QLD)

Refuge Accommodation

Refuge provides women and children escaping domestic violence with safe and secure accommodation. Refuges offer immediate protection from violence as well as emotional support. A refuge provides a clean, comfortable home-like environment where residents can feel safe, supported and protected. Generally women’s refuges offer communal living models where the residents share kitchen, bathroom, laundry and living facilities.

When women and children first arrive in a refuge they are made welcome by support workers who have expertise in supporting women and children with the immediate issues being faced and the range of urgent needs she and her children may have. Child support workers are available to support and work with any children. Outreach programs are often available to provide continuing support for women and children after they have left the refuge.

Refuge accommodation can be arranged by calling the domestic violence crisis line on 1800 65 64 63 (NSW) or 1800 811 811 (QLD)

Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders

Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders (ADVOs) is an order made by the court which will restrict the behaviour of the person you take the order out against. ADVOs specify that the person must stay a set distance away from your home and workplace. ADVOs usually state that the person cannot assault, harass, threaten, stalk or intimidate you. ADVOs aim to provide you with protection for the future.

The ADVO is not a criminal conviction. It doesn’t mean that the person will have a criminal record or go to goal. However the person who has been violent can also be charged with a criminal offence. If the ADVO is broken then the person has committed a crime and a criminal record or a goal sentence can be a consequence.

You can get an ADCO by:

Calling the Chamber Registrar at your local court, or by calling the police, or you can contact the Women’s Domestic Violence Court Assistance Scheme on 1300 720 606

An application to the local court needs to be made to get an ADVO. At the court you will need to specify the conditions you need to protect yourself from the abuser. If the abuser agrees to the ADVO an order is made.

If the abuser doesn’t agree to the ADVO a hearing for the ADVO will be deferred to another date. You can apply for an interim order to protect you until the hearing date. The Police are able to issue a telephone interim order to offer you protection until the hearing date.

The magistrate will hear the evidence at the hearing and make a determination based on the fears you have for your safety and if these fears are reasonable. If the magistrate doesn’t grant the order you have the right to appeal the decision within 28 days.

The Northern Rivers Court Assistance Scheme is able to explain about ADVOs, explain the court process, attend court as your support person, they may be able to help organise a lawyer, and they can refer you to other organisations in the area which can assist you with counselling etc.

If the abuser breaches the ADVO you should contact the police immediately.

Exclusion Order

An exclusion order allows you to stay at home and have the violence leave. An exclusion order can be obtained as part of the apprehended violence order. It will exclude or remove the violent person from your home.

When applying for an apprehended violence order discuss the option of an exclusion order with your court support workers, police officer or lawyer. A magistrate will grant an exclusion order only if it is requested.

You can also request an exclusion order as part of the Telephone Interim Order which you can ask Police to apply for during the hours following a violent incident.

It is crucial when considering applying for an exclusion order that you have thought about how it will affect your safety. You need to consider if you will feel and be safe in you own home knowing the abuser will know where you are living. You will need to consider if it is the safest option for you and your children. There may also be practical considerations such as are you able to financially afford to pay the housing costs if you stay.

Any breaches of an exclusion order should be reported to the police immediately.