Your Choices

A few things to remember when making choices are:
  • Domestic violence is more common than people realise
  • Abuse can happen to anyone
  • Violence is NEVER acceptable and violence is a CRIME
  • You are not to blame for the abuse. Abusers make decisions about their behaviour
  • Research shows that once abuse starts it doesn't stop and actually gets worse. So you need to acknowledge the warning signs of abuse and make choices about what is acceptable for you in a relationship
  • The tension that domestic violence creates (even if it is not physical abuse) does affect children in a negative way.

Leaving an abusive relationship can be a difficult decision to make.

There are many barriers that women face when making the decision to leave which can include:
  • Fear for safety There may be concerns about your partners reaction when they discover you have left. There may have been threats to harm you, your children, your loved ones or himself.
  • Isolation Many women in abusive relationships find they have become isolated from their family and friends. The abuser finds women without a strong network of friends easier to control. There may be a fear of being alone and there being nobody who understands or who can help you.
  • Shame Many women feel shame about being in their situation and feel embarrassed to talk about their relationship. It is the abuser who should feel shame as they are the ones responsible for the violence
  • Worrying about the impact of leaving on the children Women may feel guilt for removing their children from their father. Also you may fear being unable to continue the lifestyle that the children are used to. Children who live in families where domestic violence occurs have more behavioural and social problems than children who don’t. Children don’t have to be physically hurt to be victims of domestic violence.
  • Love The abuser may promise you that things will get better. It is difficult to let go of a relationship in which there have been good times as well as bad. In a relationship with love and respect there wouldn’t be abuse. The abuser might also lead you to believe that nobody else will love you.
  • Pressures to stay There may be pressure from family, friends or religious groups to stay.
  • Nowhere to go and no money Many women feel that if they leave a relationship they won’t be able to support themselves and their children. Controlling money can be a part of the abuse and many women don’t have access to their money. Refuges are able to provide women with accommodation and can assist you to get a benefit from Centrelink, help you find independent accommodation, and help you consider your employment possibilities
  • Legal concerns You may have concerns about the abuser applying for custody. Or you may have concerns about dealing with police or the courts. There are organisations which can help.

These barriers are all real but they can be overcome!

These barriers shouldn’t have to stop you taking action and improving your safety and the safety of your children.

Some helpful tips to remember when making choices are:
  • As time goes on your relationship could become increasingly dangerous for you and your children
  • You understand your situation better than anyone else. Explore your options and make your own decisions. You don’t have to do what other people tell you to do, or what you think they would want you to do
  • It may take more than one attempt at leaving. If often takes women many attempts to leave before they feel supported enough to make the final break.
  • You and your children deserve a life free from fear, shame and anxiety

What you can do to protect yourself

Domestic Violence Line

The Domestic Violence Line is a 24 hour telephone crisis counseling and referral service. You will get to speak with female counsellors experienced in working with women and children experiencing domestic violence. Counsellors will work with you to minimise the risk and increase the safety for you and your children. Counsellors will be able to help you become safe during a crisis.

The Domestic Violence Line can offer support through:
  • Referring you to women’s refuges and answer any questions you have about refuges
  • Referral to family support services, counseling, hospitals, police, courts, lawyers etc
  • Provide assistance with transport, hospital care and emergency accommodation
  • Organise interpreters for women who don’t speak English
  • Provide you with information about court procedures and apprehended violence orders
  • Arrange police intervention where necessary

Contact the Domestic Violence Line on 1800 65 64 63 (NSW) or 1800 811 811 (QLD)

Refuge Accommodation

Refuge provides women and children escaping domestic violence with safe and secure accommodation. Refuges offer immediate protection from violence as well as emotional support. A refuge provides a clean, comfortable home-like environment where residents can feel safe, supported and protected. Generally women’s refuges offer communal living models where the residents share kitchen, bathroom, laundry and living facilities.

When women and children first arrive in a refuge they are made welcome by support workers who have expertise in supporting women and children with the immediate issues being faced and the range of urgent needs she and her children may have. Child support workers are available to support and work with any children. Outreach programs are often available to provide continuing support for women and children after they have left the refuge.

Refuge accommodation can be arranged by calling the domestic violence crisis line on 1800 65 64 63 (NSW) or 1800 811 811 (QLD)

Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders

Apprehended Domestic Violence Orders (ADVOs) are an order made by the court to restrict the behaviour of the person you take the order out against. ADVOs can specify that the person must stay a set distance away from your home and workplace, ADVOs always state that the person cannot assault, harass, threaten, stalk or intimidate you etc. ADVOs aim to provide you with protection for the future, and give the abuser a sign that their behaviour is not acceptable.

The ADVO is not a criminal conviction. It doesn't mean that the person will have a criminal record or go to goal. However the person who has been violent can also be charged with a criminal offence if there is enough evidence and if the police choose to do so. If the ADVO is broken then the person has committed a crime and a criminal record can be a consequence. However, for this to occur you must report all breaches of the ADVO to the Police. When you do this it is important to ask for the Police Officers name and an incident report number (so that you know the incident has definitely been recorded and you have its reference number). It is important to remember that an ADVO can be tailored to suit your needs. If you want to have contact with the abusive person then an ADVO can work around this and protect you while you are having this contact. An ADVO can even be made to protect you if you want to continue to live in the same house as the other person.

You can get an ADVO by:

Calling the Registrar at your local court, or by calling the police, or you can contact the Women's Domestic Violence Court Advocacy Service on 1300 720 606

If you decide to get an ADVO via the Police then you can either call your local Police Station or just call in. It is important that you tell them what has happened and all of your concerns and that you are seeking an ADVO. If the Police apply for an ADVO on your behalf then the Police Prosecutor will be your solicitor, and this will be at no cost to you.

If you decide that you would like to make a private application for an ADVO via the Court Registrar (rather than the Police), you need to phone your local court and make an appointment to do so. You will need to tell the Registrar all of your concerns and he/she will assist you in deciding what conditions you need to apply for on your ADVO to protect yourself from the abuse. In most cases the Police Prosecutor will represent you as a Òfriend of the Court' at your first court date and at all of your court mentions. However, if your ADVO needs to go to a hearing you will need to arrange for a solicitor to represent you, and legal Aid is only granted for ADVO matters when exceptional circumstances exist.

If the abuser agrees to the ADVO an order is made. If the abuser doesn't agree to the ADVO a hearing for the ADVO will be set for another date. You can apply for an interim order to protect you until the hearing date. In some cases where there is a high risk the Police are able to issue a telephone interim order to offer you protection until the court date.

The magistrate will hear the evidence at the hearing and make a decision based on the fears you have for your safety and if these fears are reasonable. If the magistrate doesn't grant the order you have the right to appeal the decision within 28 days.

The Northern Rivers Court Advocacy Service is able to explain about ADVOs, explain the court process, attend court as your advocate and support person, they may be able to help organise a lawyer, and they can refer you to other organisations in the area which can assist you with counselling etc. For more information on how the advocacy service can help you phone 02 6621 1044 or 1300 720 606.

If the abuser breaches the ADVO you should contact the police immediately.

Exclusion Order

An exclusion order allows you to stay at home and have the violence leave. An exclusion order can be obtained as part of the apprehended violence order. It will exclude or remove the violent person from your home.

When applying for an apprehended violence order discuss the option of an exclusion order with your court support workers, police officer or lawyer. A magistrate will grant an exclusion order only if it is requested.

You can also request an exclusion order as part of the Telephone Interim Order which you can ask Police to apply for during the hours following a violent incident.

It is crucial when considering applying for an exclusion order that you have thought about how it will affect your safety. You need to consider if you will feel and be safe in you own home knowing the abuser will know where you are living. You will need to consider if it is the safest option for you and your children. There may also be practical considerations such as are you able to financially afford to pay the housing costs if you stay.

Any breaches of an exclusion order should be reported to the police immediately.