It takes a community to change perceptions of domestic violence.

It is only when the community challenges the behaviour of the abuser that the abuse will stop. Women and children need the support of the community to escape, recover and rebuild.

Recognising signs of abuse

It may be difficult to determine if a friend, neighbour or family member is in an abusive relationship because abusers are often good at hiding their behaviour and the victims may be feeling too scared, guilty or ashamed to ask for help.

Every abusive situation is different but some signs that may indicate abuse include if the person is:
  • Fearful of their partner
  • Anxious to please their partner
  • Stressed
  • Having non-specific health problems
  • Giving unlikely explanations for physical injuries or tells you of many small ‘accidents’ they have been having
  • Not spending time with their family and friends and becoming socially isolated
  • Unwilling to talk about why they are feeling sad or anxious
  • Having continual phone calls or texts from their partners
  • Tired
  • Telling you the partner is jealous and possessive
  • Telling you the partner is accusing them of being unfaithful and seeing other men
  • Increasing their use or becoming reliant on drugs or alcohol
  • Telling you the partner denies her access to money
  • If they have bruises, cuts, marks, burns or sprains on her body

Approaching the subject

It can be difficult to support someone in an abusive relationship. Your response is really important and can make a great difference. Many women may not be able to identify the impact the violence has on themselves and their children and may feel they won’t be believed or that they may be blamed. If you can create an environment in which the woman feels supported you may be able to encourage her to talk about the situation which may give her the strength to start exploring her options.

It is important to approach the woman when she is alone and in an environment in which she is safe to speak and open up. When approaching the subject be sensitive and let her know your concerns. For example let her know you have noticed a change in her and you are concerned about her and the children.

Being supportive

It is important to ensure that when the woman is ready to share that you are supportive and you acknowledge the seriousness of the situation.

The most important things to remember are:
  • Believe what you are being told. Abusive men are often very charming and the perception you have of the abuser may be very different to reality for the woman.
  • Don’t judge. Remember your friend or family member may already be feeling ashamed, of embarrassed and may feel like they are to blame.
  • Listen. It is important to listen to how she is feeling and avoid making decisions for her.
  • Focus on how she is feeling. Ask how the abuse is affecting her. Ask about her strategies for coping.
  • Ensure she understands the abuse is not her fault. Explain that nobody deserves to be abused. DO NOT make excuses for the abusive behaviour. Let her know there is no excuse for abusive behaviour and that the abuser has a choice in how he responds to situations.
  • Focus on Safety. Let her know you have concerns for her safety and the safety of her children. Ask what you can do to help her. Give her information about the Domestic Violence line and other local services such as Tweed Shire Women’s Service who can offer support and refuge accommodation.
  • Acknowledge. Recognise what she has been through and how much courage and strength it has taken to get to where she is.

Things To Avoid

The chance of a good outcome from disclosure of abuse is strengthened if the first point of contact is supportive and non-judgemental. For this reason it is important not to criticise as this may result in the victim becoming too ashamed to talk about the abuse.

Some important things to remember include:
  • Don’t Blame. Victims often already blame themselves for the abuse. Do not suggest that the abuse may have been provoked. Ensure she understands that the partner chooses to perpetrate abuse and that no one deserves to be abused. Remember that domestic violence is a crime.
  • Don’t make excuses for the violence behaviour. Mental health, alcohol or drug use is not the cause of domestic violence. Remember that abuse is a choice of the perpetrator.
  • Don’t approach the perpetrator. This may put the woman in greater danger and you may even place yourself in danger.
  • Allow her to make her own decisions. As an abused woman may lack confidence and may not have been allowed to make decisions for herself in the abusive relationship it is tempting to give her direction. However it is important for women to take back control of their lives and make their own life choices. Providing information about her options is more desirable than giving her advice. Don’t pressure her to leave ­ it is a decision she needs to make for herself.
  • Avoid talking about the abuser. Discovering that someone is abusive fills us with many emotions. However it is more useful to stay focused on how to support the woman and her feelings. Making negative comments about the abuser may lead the victim to feel the need to protect him.

Support Her Even if She Stays

To see someone you care about return to an abusive relationship can be difficult and you may find yourself feeling frustrated or even angry.

There are many reasons why a woman may find it difficult to leave including:
  • Fear for the physical safety of herself and/or her children.
  • The hope that the relationship could return to happier times that may have occurred at the beginning of the relationship
  • Pressure from community to stay. Family or religious values against divorce may encourage her to stay.
  • Fears of how she will be able to manage financially or emotionally when she leaves

Leaving a relationship can be very difficult and may take several attempts before women are successful in leaving. Support throughout this time is important as leaving can be a particularly dangerous time.

Whilst it is important to keep supporting the woman if she decides to stay it should not prevent you from taking action if you believe the woman’s or the child’s life is in danger or if you are concerned for the safety of the woman. A threat should be reported to the Police or the Department of Community Services.

Give Practical Advice

Providing practical assistance is useful at a stressful and emotional time for the woman leaving an abusive relationship.

You can assist by:
  • Provide her with information about safety planning
  • Help source information about emergency accommodation, information on support groups, information about court, police, apprehended violence orders etc.
  • Support her through court systems and seeking assistance from the police
  • Help her prepare an ‘escape’ package filled with important papers, money, clothes. You may be able to store some of her important papers, belongings
  • Provide help with the children such as through childcare

Self Care

Supporting someone in a domestic violence relationship can be stressful, frightening or even frustrating. It is important to ensure that you remain supportive and not take on the role of ‘rescuer”. Be honest about the type of support you can offer and the ways in which you are prepared to help her.

Taking care of yourself is beneficial both for you and your ability to continue providing support. Tweed Shire Women’s Service is able to provide assistance and support for you.